Children & Stress

By: Janna Holm

It’s 11:20 am on a Friday morning. At a fast-food restaurant close to Grant High School, two 16-year-old girls are furiously writing papers while they scarf down their lunch and talk to their friends at the same time. They’ve just come from observing a lung removal surgery at Providence Hospital. It was educational and an invaluable experience, but it was also time away from school that they now have to make up. One of the girls explains, “It’s not just that I’m worried about doing well, it’s that I’m worried about the time to get everything done. There’s just not enough time. And I feel like I have to do everything: sports, AP classes, extracurricular stuff, because I have to get into a good college and they look at all of that stuff on the application.”

Grant High School students aren’t the only students dealing with high levels of stress. According to a recent study by the American Psychological Association (APA), children in the United States cited stress as a top health concern. In the survey, the APA discovered that stress related to school pressure and family finances has a greater impact on young people than their parents believe. Both children and parents need to learn lifelong skills to deal with stress or risk serious, long-term health implications.

Children in the Portland area are stressed about many of the same things that adults worry about. These days students regularly hear their parents talk about the economy and financial worries. “When I hear them talking to each other about it, I feel like there is more of a sense of urgency to do well. I have to go to college and get a recession-proof job. So when I get a B, it’s a big deal to me.” The other girl agrees, “I’m stressed about staying on the honor roll and doing well in my AP classes.” She’s also worried about having enough time in the day to get everything done. “I’m also really committed to sports, which adds more stress than just physically doing track and dance team. I have to find the time for school work, practice, meets, team meetings, workouts and everything.” Both girls agree that money, time, and pressure to do well cause them the most stress in life.

One of the most important things parents of high school kids can do to help their children deal with stress is to actively listen to and support their kids. One student explains that she feels better about her workload when her parents listen to her and take her seriously, “They can help me deal with my stress when they really listen to me and are comforting and recognize that what I’m worried about really matters to me.”

Family relationships are also a cause of stress for many children. Makenna Mangini, 14, feels like her 12-year-old brother, Jarret, is a huge source of stress for her. He causes her stress for two reasons: because she worries about him and because she’s often fighting with him, because he annoys her. Jarret agrees that other than doing well in school, his main stress in life is his sister. In addition, their parents have been divorced for ten years, and they often worry about living between two households. “We feel pulled between both of them sometimes. Dad wants us for something and Mom wants us at the same time and we’re not sure where we’re supposed to go and we don’t want to hurt either of them or mess up whose time it is to have us,” explains Makenna.

Makenna also worries about school, relationships with her friends, and having enough time to get everything done. “I just feel like there’s always a lot of stuff going on: friend issues, family stuff, school work. Instead of having to deal with everything at once, I think it’d help if I could space things out. I feel stressed out a lot, at least every other day. I don’t think my parents realize how much stress I have, how much pressure I’m under. Usually I get a headache and don’t feel like eating.” Makenna is interested in taking a class to learn
how to deal with her stress, “I tried deep breathing once and it actually worked for awhile. I’d like to learn more stuff like that.”

Lindsay McGrath, M.S., a family therapist, recommends parents take every step to maintain a close relationship with their children so they can help with stress and frustrations. “It is vital that every child have a relationship with a parent where they feel accepted and loved,” she explains. In addition to talking to your children about their stress, look for these common signs of stress: disturbed sleep, stomachaches, headaches, refusing to go to school, increased anger, and withdrawal. If your child exhibits these symptoms, McGrath recommends calling his or her pediatrician to discuss what may be developmentally appropriate. Pediatricians see so many children that they have a great sense of what is within normal limits and what is of concern.

Preschool and younger children might not be able to articulate what is bothering them, but they can also be dealing with stress. Parents should look for changes in behavior that include hair twirling, uncontrollable crying, angry outbursts, and a change in attachment. Some of this behavior is due to normal developmental growth, so parents should be aware of what is happening at home or at childcare that could be contributing to the child’s stress.

Lisa Kinley, a Portland mom with a three-year-old son and a year-old daughter, noticed that it seems to cause her son a lot of stress to share both attention and toys with his baby sister. In order to combat his stress, they came up with a plan, “Our son seemed so out-of-control upset that we couldn’t understand a single word he was saying. So, we began by telling him calmly to dry his tears and stop crying. We have him take a couple deep breaths so he can tell us what is upsetting him. It works pretty well most of the time and he sometimes does it on his own to get control of himself. Sometimes we all take deep breaths together and he thinks that’s pretty funny. He’s still not immune to the occasional meltdown, but it definitely helps us get to the root of the problem much quicker and we’re usually able to resolve it in a relatively calm and quiet fashion.”

Kids’ stress may be intensified by more than just what’s happening in their own lives. If kids hear their parents or other adults fighting, worrying about financial matters or work troubles, or discussing traumatic world events, it can affect them. McGrath recommends monitoring both television viewing and your own conversations, “World news can cause stress. Kids who see disturbing images on TV or hear talk of natural disasters, war, and terrorism may worry about their own safety and that of the people they love. Talk to your kids about what they see and hear, and monitor what they watch on TV so that you can help them understand what’s going on.”

Talk to your children about their worries, time management, and their stress level. Today many kids are overly worried, and their stress can have significant negative long-term effects on their physical health and happiness. The time to seek professional attention is when any change in behavior persists, when stress is causing serious anxiety, or when the behavior is causing significant problems in functioning at school or at home. If you need help finding resources for your child, consult your doctor.

Janna Holm lives in Portland with her husband, two-year-old twin boys, and the world’s laziest border collie.

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