I have to believe that I am going through this so that some day I can help someone else. That, and my darling children are what is giving me the strength to finally leave my emotionally, and sometimes physically, abusive husband. It breaks my heart that I have brought my kids into this situation - they are 17 months (twins) and I am determined to get out before they ever have rememberance of what is happening. I also know that I have to stop thinking about regrets and face the future.
My husband and I have been together for 9 years - married for 3. He started emotionally abusing me after only a few months - yet I was young and I loved him and believed he could change. 9 years, countless breakups and reconciliations, and 2 children later - something inside of me has clicked and I've finally started listening to the voices in my head. I am finally strong enough to leave this person who makes me miserable - miserable to the point of somedays I can even bring myself to eat.
The problem is - he isn't accepting it. And I don't know why I should have expected him to. You can't reason with the unreasonable. I am counting the minutes until our counseling session in a few days - of which I am going to because he asked but with the hope that the counselor will be able to get through to him and make him realize that our marriage is over and that he actually doesn't have a choice in the matter.
I feel so mixed up in my own head. He twists things to such a degree that I can't even think straight. Every time I look at him, I think of his red, angry face when he tells me "You are a thankless whore" or "You are a failure as a person". Yet - he is still trying to convince me that he is trying to change. A few months ago - he ripped out a chunk of my hair while I held one of our children in my arms.
I am writing this because I need your words of encouragement. Anyone that has anything to say that may help build my strength - please say it. If you have ever been in my situation and have words of advice - please do tell.
I will keep you posted on the events as they come.
God Bless - and my optimism stay in your hearts.