Balance Portland
My 17 yr old daughter is getting ready for her
prom, and she has been dating the same boy since last October, who she wants to go to the prom with.
He is native american with obvious indian features (my daughter is white with blond hair). They look cute together, and look nice in pictures with their contrasting features.
My daughter *REALLY* likes that he is native american indian, and has gone to a few sweat lodge ceremonies and pow-wows with him. Apparently, he has won several awards for his traditional dancing/
Today he did an indian dance exhibition, which he was paid for doing with 2 other boys. After that, my daughter and her boyfriend came here for a BBQ after his dancing exhibition.
He was still wearing his traditional dance wear, which consisted of head band with 2 feathers, an open vest over his shoulders, breach cloth, moccasions, a lot of body paint, and some kind of a that that was over his butt and created a semi-circle of feathers. My daughter made a big deal of showing him in his traditional clothiing to all of us.
He had to take the semi-circle of feathers off in order to sit down, which left only the narrow breach cloth back to cover his butt. His butt crack was covered, but most of his butt cheeks were exposed.
After he finished eating (probably 2 hours after he arrived), he went in to our bathroom and changed out of his traditional clothing and washed off his body paint which left him in our bathroom for a lont time. He came out wearing shorts and shoes, nothing else. So he spent the rest of the evening at our house shirtless.
So, as I am debating with myself telling him he can not come here anymore unless he is fully and normally dressed (including a shirt), my daughter announces that she has talked him into taking her to the prom in his traditional indian dance clothing rather than a tux. I told her that was unacceptable and that a tux would be required. She replied that they already cleared it with the school and that they will accept his traditional clothing.
So now I feel like I have to put my foot down and make her stop dating him. Actually, I never wanted her to date him for obvious reasons, but I figured that dating him at high school age would be a big problem.
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I think that you are
I think that you are overreacting. I feel that its great that the school is open to the idea. You should let them go and let her make her own decisions. You are the parent and you should know whats best for her, but you should let her decide on this one. If you tell her not to go, she will only rebel against you. As far as her dating at such a young age, you should keep taps on what they are doing to make sure that she’s safe. She’s still your daughter. Don’t let the difference in culture or you not understanding his ways be the reason you wont let them date.
Your Home. Your Daughter. Her Choice?
For some reason I buy into the old school of thought when it comes to parental rules and regulations. I guess my parents and grandparents ingrained it in my psyche long ago that they were in charge or at least would try to be, as they helped me make "smart" decisions through my formative years. Looking back they probably weren't always right, but it was a matter of respect more than anything that I listened.
Not to say I wasn't rebellious and managed to do what I wanted more than they knew. But I saw and still do see value in setting parameters in the home. I knew that my parents had a say in most everything in my life before I turned 18, as much as I would fight it. With that being said your daughter sounds mature and level headed. Give her advice and share your point of view, but she is nearly an adult, soon to be out in the world free to make her own decisions. I think the most important thing to maintain is trust that will last between you long after she is grown with her own family. I have to add though, if you don't feel comfortable in your home with a naked butt on your couch, you have that authority to politely dissuade this exhibition. Just be concious of your daughter's thoughts and feelings and also her boyfriend's. She will respect you more for it!
Ok, here are my problems with this situation
I didn't like him wearing his traditional clothing, WAY to much skin was exposed. Particularly, his butt was almost totally exposed, not much more than his butt crack was covered. So yea, what you called "naked butt on your couch" was a problem as he was like that for nearly 2 hours. Then when he did change, he was still shirtless for the rest of the evening.
I was really disappointed because at his age he should know appropriate behavior. If he was in a native american home, perhaps that all would have been acceptable. We are not native american and most people around here aren't.
My daughter seems to like guys with problems, the last 2 BF's she had were both druggies. I think I will have to take action here. I could use some advice.
You should be proud of your daughter
My upbringing may have been similar to Lauren's except I was raised mostly from a single mother who was THE authority in my home-life and also in my private-life. Curfews were strict. I had my rebellious moments; however, I respected the hand that fed me.
My mother is an educated woman and bringing someone home with a cultural background other than mine would have sparked an interesting dialogue-and I mean it would have been a positive and enriching conversation. She's open. Mind you, wearing only shorts and shoes on one of the first meet' n greets would not have scored him many points. It is your home and if not well known shirtless men make you nervous, then it's a simple request you bring up to your daughter.
"Can you make sure X wears a shirt next time?"
The fact that your daughter's boyfriend wants to sport native clothing to the prom is not only curagous at a time when most teenagers want to be carbon-copies of eachother but it also is a true reflection of what kind of people your daughter admires- peers that are not afraid to stand up for what is important to them and also those who have a high-level of self-respect. This being said, your daughter sounds like a wonderful person and you look like someone who is afraid of difference.
I'm not sure what other 'obvious reasons' why you wouldn't want your daughter to date this gentlemen(and I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt by not assuming it has anything to do with race or heritage) but from the outside looking in, your daughter seems to repect what most teenagers at 17 do not- and that's honor.
I was willing to accept and allow to date
a native american because it was simply high school dating. But my fear is that this could be turning serioius, with a boy that runs around nearly naked in his traditional indian clothing, knowing there are white people and not indian people around seeing him.
Plus, when he did get dressed in to normal clothing, he was still shirtless. Today, he came here after school and is shirtless again. They are doing homework on our dinning table and will be staying for dinner. He announced he will help us with our yard work after dinner. So I guess that is OK.
Now I am thinking I should have told her at the beginning that interracial dating was unacceptable while still in high school.
"Now I am thinking I should
"Now I am thinking I should have told her at the beginning that interracial dating was unacceptable while still in high school."
Wow. Just wow. I suppose he'd probably be better off without having people like you around.
So what?
It's not like the boy was naked. He is native american and was wearing his traditional clothing that he has the right to wear any where any time he wants. Before the white christians took over this country, his ancestors usually were naked during the warm weather. So the fact that he kept himself covered with a breechcloth or shorts was showing respect for YOU and your family.
I say drop this.
I would be really proud of the boy if he went to the prom dance with his traditional native dancing clothing and I encourage it. Even though the breechcloth showed most of his butt, you can see that on any beach today.
Those would be really
Those would be really beautiful pictures! White girl in classy dress with native american male in traditional pow-wow dancing attire at the prom dance!
If he is willing to wear his pow-wow dance clothing to a prom and the school supports it, that is cool! Be sure to get pics! Just make sure they are home by midnight so she doesn't decide to find out what native males keep under the breachcloth!
Here is my opinion, if it were my daughter
If he is a good guy and treats your daughter right, then I wouldn't care if he ran around in his traditional clothes with his butt exposed or if he was naked like traditional indians in warm weather!
It is so easy for girls to end up with guys that are bad for them, that if he is good to her I wouldn't care about anything else.
If they want him to go to the prom in his traditional dance outfit, then he should do it. The school should have no opinion.
what else do you know about your daughter's choice?
do you know much more about your daughter's choice in her boyfriend? seems like you're just focused on things that don't really matter when it comes to matters of the heart. sure, she needs to respect your guidance and rules of your home but her selection of a friend or boyfriend is something you should judge more carefully - does he treat her with respect? has he ever caused her to be someone she is not or do things she really doesn't want to do? distracted her from her school work? does he have a moral compass similar to hers? She could have brought home an addict, a criminal, a psycopath or worse. Would you feel better if she brought home a white, blonde hair girlfriend? The point is - who she is drawn to and who she chooses to love is entirely her decision.
Interracial dating is unacceptable in high school?
I'm sorry? Why is interracial dating unacceptable, and why do you feel this is obvious?
That issue aside, my advice would be to have a talk with your daughter and her boyfriend. From experience, I know that cultural differences cause a lot of misunderstandings and if not discussed, can lead to a lot of hurt feelings. It is very possible that the boyfriend has no idea he's offended you by his lack of clothing. In his culture, household, and social circle this is probably a non-issue, and he doesn't realize that some "white people" might have a problem with it. Have a respectful discussion about the dress code in your home, emphasize that it has nothing to do with his traditional clothing and everything to do with showing more skin than you're comfortable with, and give your daughter some good pre-prom advice.
If this is all about your discomfort with people of other cultures, I think your problems run quite a bit deeper.
Respect, a two way street.
I am speaking to this comment. "Actually, I never wanted her to date him for obvious reasons, but I figured that dating him at high school age would be a big problem." I am curious what the "obvious reasons" are. I think as parents we should learn from our children as well as impart knowledge to them. It sounds like you could use this as an opportunity to learn from your daughter things such as respect, tolerance and appreciation of other cultures. I think "putting your foot down" in this situation would only show antiquated prejudice and would push your obviously open-minded daughter away.
Aren't we all just humans in different skins?
I could go on about the "interracial" thing, and the "obvious reasons", but my main response is that we have tried really hard to break down barriers and I teach my children to like people for who they are, not what they look like. They could be black, yellow, green, blue or pink for all I care, as long as they are good inside and don't hurt my kids! It should not matter their skin tone, race or anything else other than good people!!! She is 17 and should be able to start making her own decisions and learning from them. Yes a mother is there to help guide, but you also have to let her find out certain things on her own.
Why are you so willing to ask him not to wear his traditional clothing? You are not the one wearing it and besides, what if his "traditional" clothing was german attire? Would that make you feel good enough to let your white, blond-haired daughter go out with him? You can, and should, feel free to talk to her boyfriend about wearing clothing in your own home that covers his whole body. If he were not Native American, and a blonde, white boy, would that have changed your mind about being shirtless?
Sheesh, grow up and learn to love, or accept at least, people for who they are, not for what they look like. Your daughter has learned this from someone, but obviously not from you...shame!!
IT IS SO SAD
It saddens me to still see so much racism imparted without any remorse. What makes you feel you have the correct mind set? the right moral values? You never mentioned how you treated your daughter's boyfriend, but judging by your tone, I imagine you must act very arrogant. A 17 year old that offers to do your lawn for nothing even if your not exactly completly nice to him? Not very common, that's for sure...
Anyhow, I just wanted to say I agree SO MUCH with all the comments posted inviting you take a closer look at yourself rather than your daughter, your problems DO OBVIOUSLY run deep
Right now I am renting a
Right now I am renting a room from my sister. With all the HOT weather we've recently had, my 2 nieces (age 16 & 18) have been running around in thong bikinis for much of the day. They wear the thongs not only around the house but also when going out for the day or visiting friends. My sister had her daughters fathered by a man that was chippewa indian, so her daughters are half native american and they were born/raised on the reservation until their early teens when they moved here. In native american culture being naked or minimally dressed is no big deal.
The boy your daughter is dating is keeping shorts on or keeping a breech cloth on, if I were you I would accept it. Otherwise, you look like you are unaccepting of his culture.
Do you hear yourself? Native
Do you hear yourself? Native American...good enough to date my daughter as a "good time" for her, but not if its serious...He can do my yardwork though...I am proud of your daughter for somehow ending up so accepting and open minded.
You are being ethnocentric.
You are being ethnocentric. That's a nice way of saying you're being racist. It makes me think of guess who's coming to dinner with sidney poitier. You should be glad that your daughter is being exposed to other cultures and other traditions and that she appreciates and respects those traditions. Unlike yourself. And you should be impressed that this boy has such a deep respect and connection with his heritage. He is far more likely to be responsible and respectful.
Americans have traditions and cultural traits that other cultures find repulsive or crude. Just because you are white doesn't mean that you're culture is the one that is right. If you try to stop your daughter from dating this boy she will lose a great deal of respect for you and she will realize how closed-minded you are. And you will teach her that you think it's wrong to respect other cultures.
Wow, you're incredibly
Wow, you're incredibly racist. "Runs around in his indian clothes even though white people can see him"?? Really? It sounds like your daughter and your daughter's school are open and accepting of his culture, and you should attempt to be sensitive to it at the very least. Yes, he probably should've put on a shirt when he changed back into normal clothes, and yeah, it's a little weird to wear pow-wow gear to prom (though that's HIS choice.) But if you ask your daughter not to date an otherwise great guy because his culture's traditional clothing is "dirty" to you...that's just flat out racism.
And being another race is NOT the same as "having problems" or "being a druggie". As far as I can tell, the only real problem here is that he often doesn't wear shirts (easy to solve, tell him he must wear a shirt while in your house, or have your daughter tell him) and the fact that you flat out don't like him because he's not white.
Let's ignore the fact that you are totally racist...
...and let's focus on the girl.
I can tell you from experience that forbidding her from seeing him will only make him more interesting to her. I was "forbidden" from someone too -- and guess what? We've been married for 6 years and have 2 kids! My mom and my relationship? Totally broken...she's never met her grandkids.
She's young...it will fizzle out if you let it go.
Grow up and just ask him to wear a shirt...is that so hard?
Most of us are "Native" LOL
Unless you aren't American?
I mean, the NATIVES were here FIRST after all. All of us with European ancestry are the foreigners and unless you are a recent immigrant, you cannot possibly be pure white.
I am personally mixed with Choctaw (AKA Native lol), Italian, Welsh, Spanish, South Slavic, and German. I am very pale and look whiter than most people. But I am of mixed race (technially) and I bet you are too. ;)
P.S. My step-dad was "black" and my mom was "white". He was the best father I could have been raised with. Skin tone does not matter. He took care of me when the sperm donor abandoned me.
PLEASE open your mind.
Why punish her for acting responsibly
Your daughter is doing what we all should be doing - keeping an open mind about other peoples' beliefs instead of doing what is deemed "politically" correct. This way of thinking will serve her well during life - don't kill it because of your own personal hang-ups.
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worng
i would dress proper to site wit the family if there's people u should dress proper . if u live wit Ur native family u do the same is a form of proper respect . when d i was a child they should me in a young age to be proper. and that guy siting down with people to eat and that person wearing that nice tradition rode. is wrong 1.he could of stained it Ur git it dirty he doesn't want that nice robe to get dirty my brother u should now better i should expected more from u . i respect u the native Americans of u wearing Ur rode but u should of tuck en it off before eating of ever way and which am native to sorry brother . And for my option i would date my own race two to be proud and to be apart of my race to be. sorry that's just me even though am mix Hispanic and black and native American. jatibouicua put am more in two my native side which i like story's of Indians and history and my grandfather likes Indians and do some customizes and i do to my great great fathers father as well do the same and i found out i have realities in the state .which are Indians and part of my family and i don't look white Ur black i came out bronze skin tall straight black hair and my all the characteristics of an Indian i would married a native girl or closest to my race sorry that's just me ... is what u fell what u r. if the person is mix with other race and if ur black in a person eyes ur black period same . also if ur wit native ur Irish and u came out white then Indian ur white period in the person eyes if an asian mix wit white and looks white then Asian ur asian all shell have ur the eyes maybe not is to clear a fie things to people
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