When couples are experiencing difficulty, a huge part of the problem is the tendency to think that they are both having the same conversation when they really are not. Anytime two people are engaged in a conversation, there is what one person says and what the other person hears (this applies to nonverbal communication as well). Rarely are these two the same. We all have our own filters, developed from our life experiences, through which we hear each others' words. It only takes having different definitions for one word to throw a conversation off track. As an example, if one partner says that s/he wants to know that the other partner is "committed" to the relationship, they may have completely different ideas of what that "commitment" looks like. So Partner A might be spending all of his/her free time with Partner B and think that s/he is showing this commitment quite obviously. But if Partner B thinks that commitment means sharing one's emotions openly and with vulnerability, s/he ends up feeling that Partner A is not doing his/her part and gets angry. Then Partner A is baffled as to why s/he is being attacked and gets defensive too. And then we're off and running down a path that's hard to stop. If those miscommunications are caught and corrected early in the conversation, it can prevent a fight and pave the way to a solution. It may sound silly or tedious but here are some simple ways to talk and to listen that can help…

TALKING

1. Stick to one problem at a time. When we are angry, it’s tempting to try to get every annoyance off of our chest once we have the floor. But your partner can only respond to one thing at a time. If you rattle off a list of 10 things that s/he does wrong without taking a breath, s/he will never be able to answer each item and then you’ll end up feeling like the problem didn’t get addressed or your partner wasn’t listening.
2. Be specific. Describe the particular behavior that is bothering you and what message it is sending. For example, “When you get right on the computer when you get home from work, it seems like you’d rather talk to your Facebook friends than to me.” rather than “You only care about @#$% Facebook!”
3. Own your feelings. No one “makes” you feel anything. You have choices about how you react to what your partner does. You could have chosen to laugh at how ridiculous it was, get scared that your relationship was in trouble, or be irate that they are so insensitive but that choice was yours. So when expressing your experience, try using words like “I feel…” rather than “You make me so mad!”
4. Avoid “always” and “never.” Sure, you know that it isn’t REALLY “always” that your partner does what you don’t want or “never” that s/he does what you do want. But when you say that they “always” or “never” do something, it builds frustration in you and sends the message to your partner that you “never” notice what they do right.
5. Clarify what you do want. We are great at telling people what we don’t like but rarely do we tell them what we want instead. We do it with kids all the time! “Don’t run!” we say. But do we really mean, “Slow down!” or “Stop right there!”? If we say “Stop right there!” instead, our kids don’t have to guess and potentially pick wrong. Well, adults are just bigger (and hopefully wiser) versions of kids. If you don’t want your partner to start checking his/her Facebook account as soon as s/he gets home from work, what would be better? “If you could say hello to me and the kids and ask about our day before you check Facebook, it would let me know that we are important to you.”

LISTENING

1. Pay attention. Look at your partner, nod, say “uh huh.” Avoid watching TV, fidgeting, rolling your eyes.
2. Wait your turn. Let the person finish what they are saying before you start defending yourself, even though it’s really tempting to jump in and try to justify your position. If your partner is moving on to another topic before you’ve had a chance to respond, though, it’s ok to say, “Hey, can I have a minute to respond to what you just said before we go on to the next thing?”
3. Paraphrase the message. In your own words, try to summarize what you think your partner is trying to tell you. For example, “What I think you’re saying is that it seems like I ignore you when I get home because I get on the computer so quickly and you feel like I don’t care about you. Is that right?” If it is, GREAT! You got the message and it’s your turn to respond. But if not, ask your partner to try to explain it again using different words.
a. The hard part… If you misunderstood (maybe you said, “It sounds like you never want me to talk to my other friends!), when your partner corrects that misunderstanding, you have to respond based on what they meant, not what you thought they meant. This is really hard because once we get our feelings hurt; we tend to hold onto it.
4. Validate the feelings. Avoid telling your partner s/he is just plain wrong, too sensitive, or crazy. Let your partner know that you understand that they feel the way they do, even if you disagree with their interpretation of events. For instance, “I can see how it would feel that way from your perspective.”
5. Apologize. Even if you don’t believe you did anything wrong, you can still apologize for expressing yourself in a way that didn’t get your message across. For example, “I’m sorry it came across that way.” Then you can take a turn as the talker and try to explain your intent or what you need from your partner.

**Lauren Penn, LCSW is a therapist in Hillsboro who works with adults, children, teens, and couples. Visit www.laurenpennlcsw.com for more info.